me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Noah
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.