A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob