A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
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*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Can’t. Being lazy.