A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
those birds must be on payroll
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.