@GingaSnapppa: I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

@bacon_gillepic: A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up Not gonna lie it felt good

@sleepwalkingdog: Lois: "I saw Batman yesterday. He's put on a lot of weight" Clark: *lowers glasses* "More like Fat- Lois: "Oh my god it's Superman"

@bingowings14: I haven't said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

@1970RobD: The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial. #1PUN