@BritXNic: Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don't need to hear how you got together.

@comfynumb2012: Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won't give you more than you can handle.

@TheTalkingPipe: I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.

@CoopSoSarc: Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.

@Darlainky: There's no 5 second rule at my house. The dog is much quicker than that.