A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
me hitting on a model
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water