A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
inventing words: clothing
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”