A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Netflix My bladder
馃
Streaming on demand
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I told y鈥檃ll leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 馃槶
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
BEST FRIEND: Dude I鈥檓 broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I鈥檓 just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Kid: You鈥檙e my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn鈥檛 a word.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would鈥檝e just named the stupid horse.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 馃檨
Mission Impossible…馃槀馃槑馃悞
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.