Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
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Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
What?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless