Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
You Might Also Like
Holy shit he’s back
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
United Steaks of America
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.