A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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Would you wear it?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?