My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
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[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Okay me first
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants