According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS