A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My kitchen overserved me.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window