A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.