Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
You Might Also Like
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
just left a huge legacy in there
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.