@TechnicallyRon: A vegan walks into a bar and doesn't say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
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@MarfSalvador: GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness Me: Wait. . . wh-what? GF: I'm pregnant Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
@madeleinesweet: *on the subway* CUTE GUY: [mouths “hi”] PRETTY GIRL: [mouths “hi” back] ME, IN BETWEEN THEM: [exaggeratedly mouths "YOU GUYS LIKE HOTDOGS"]
@dubstep4dads: "Interested in mail enhancement?" Me: u mean 'male' enhancement "No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro"