A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
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Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.