A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
You Might Also Like
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
had to make it
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?