A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
You Might Also Like
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
when someone rings the doorbell
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?