A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.