A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
You Might Also Like
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Cannot stop laughing at this
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
But that’s none of my business
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight