@RdrJay47: A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.
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@skizzyl: My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it's a vicious cycle.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.
@mattchew81: A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say "I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth!"
@protolalia: I only date men who have cats because they've been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.