Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah