A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
🤣🤣💀
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy