@Carbosly: A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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@therealeatwood: DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience. ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.
@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.
@amydillon: My life these days is basically the "before" segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.