A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello