@DCpierson: A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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@SexySpainNights: I don't use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
@philco816: There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What's the first step of fire safety? 4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.
@Writepop: "Oh man, you've got stretched lobes and piercings? I've got stretched lobes and piercings, too!" "Sweet! We should hang out!" - Ear buds