A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster