If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
the dark web is just a goth google.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.