@Schmoodles: A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
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@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@NaeemHoosain: 1. Sits in the bedroom 2. Doesn't leave the house 3. Doesn't go out with freinds My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎
@FattMernandez: For my niece's 7th birthday, I'm filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I'm gonna yell "Oh God! She was pregnant!"
@QwertyJones3: If you're in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.