@Schmoodles: A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
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@thepunningman: [on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
@leannuh_renay: Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.
@better_off_dad: Not to brag... ... but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.