“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
You Might Also Like
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
it is time once again
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food