@MafiaJoker78: A watch dog is like a regular dog,only it can show you the time.
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@shkeeber: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination
@jlock17: So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear "Go towards the light."