I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.