If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Breaking news:
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”