A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
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I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons