A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
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If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Google assistant rules
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Comparing yourself to others
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.