@_SingleBabyMama: A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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@ForeverHairy: The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it.
@TheMichaelRock: I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.
@DirtMcTurd: Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend? "What? Why?" It sounds boring and there's no way that couple makes it.. "It's OUR wedding!"