@_SingleBabyMama: A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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@NickMotown: I'm sure there'll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams' death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
@ericsshadow: [on a date] Play it cool don't let her know you're a refrigerator [her ex-boyfriend turns off the electricity] "This isn't cool man."
@sammynickalls: ladies: the day after Halloween, don't forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile