A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
You Might Also Like
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog