A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)