A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.