A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
What a chick magnet..
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.