A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”