@AnkCoupleTO: I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!

@bornmiserable: ME: Avenge my death CO-WORKER: That's just a paper cut ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON'T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

@Tmoney68: So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

@sevenxx7: Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

@garyfromteenmom: doctor: how are u me: good doctor: my wife left thanks for asking