@13spencer: A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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@MikeZakarian: Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order...with pictures.
@LuvPug: I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
@Fred_Delicious: [Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"