A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”