A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
You Might Also Like
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
San Francisco has too many rules
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.