A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
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My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them