A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
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I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?