A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”