a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
You can’t rush stupid.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn