a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.