[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
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Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
#titanic
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
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“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good