I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
the three branches of government
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious