Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
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No chill.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Finally!
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.