I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
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ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
emergency phone
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]