A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.