A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are