A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My current situation
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Bros before Ohioes
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.