A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[shakes fist at other fist]
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Mornin
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”